This isn't the most upbeat post in the world, so you can skip over it or not. It's mainly just for me to get my thoughts out. It doesn't matter to me. Oh, and PS: This isn't meant to make you feel like I'm having a pity party for myself.
Today is the day I was due with my second baby. As you all know, I lost that baby in a miscarriage. I have been dreading this day all year. What do you do with a day like this? After a while, you finally get used to (not get over) the day you lost the baby but in the back of your mind you know you still have your due date to come. That's the day you're supposed to be really excited for. You get to have your brand new baby that you've been waiting for all year.
You don't know what to do with a miscarriage. Even though I lost the baby fairly early on, I believe I had a living human being inside of me. We had no warning. Just one morning, I started bleeding. I went to the hospital and by the time they did an ultrasound (couple of hrs later), there was no sign of a viable pregnancy.
I feel a lot better now but I think it's due more to time rather than completely dealing with it. It really frustrates me when someone asks me how many children I have. What do I say? I don't want to get into a pity party with them, but there is no simple answer in my mind. I have one son and am expecting another one, but what happens to Baby #2 in that equation? Doesn't exist/count because I don't have a birth story to tell? I haven't decided how to phrase that one yet. Probably never will quite to my liking.
One of the main reasons I write this post is to make Baby #2 exist in other people's minds. Baby #2 was my second baby. Since we never found out the gender, we call it "Pat" so it doesn't get mad at us either way if it's a boy or a girl. :) Another is most people don't know what to do with the sensitive subject of miscarriage. It's not realized how commonly it actually happens. People avoid the subject because of sensitivity and uncertainty. It's ok. Oh, & I just recently learned that October is pregnancy loss awareness month.
Now that this day has come and gone, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't mope around. Truthfully, being pregnant with Baby #3 has helped a little. Don't think by any means that Baby #3 was a replacement or filler for Pat's place. I guess just feeling Baby #3 moving around made me think more about the future and not dwell on the past. I must say it's weird being in the hospital on this day due to a baby, just not Baby #2.
That's about all I have to say right now. Maybe I'll say more later. I will never forget about this day. Pat's day
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